I made a terrible mistake, telling my daughter to be an excellent student
Are you sure your child should learn only perfectly? Have you heard anything about the syndrome? Then this recognition of Elena Kucherenko’s mother of many children is for you.
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When our eldest daughter Varya went to school, I made a terrible mistake, which I am correcting so far. I told her that I was an excellent student and I expect the same from her.
The first couple of years everything was fine. She studied very well, reported on her successes, we all rejoiced at her top five, were proud, etc. I didn’t even check her notebooks, let alone look at the electronic diary.
But once I took some of her notebook, looked through it and saw a three-colored pencil.
“Varya, what's this?” I asked sternly. My daughter cried and admitted that she was afraid that I would find out and I would scold her. Okay, it would be four, but three! “You said I should be an excellent student!”
My daughter was afraid to tell me that she didn’t succeed in school, do you understand?!?! I myself, with my own hands, built between us this wall of fear and distrust.And why would this eventually lead, I would not risk even imagining, I don’t flip through that ill-fated notebook.
Honestly, at that moment I was even confused and did not know what to do. I just hugged her, said I love, and asked me to never lie again. And do not be afraid. And went into another room - to think. And cry.
And I thought that I was a bad mother and did everything wrong. And she remembered ...
When Vara was about two years old, a young man jumped out of a window in our house. And he died. He was not from here. Just walked into the porch to commit suicide like this. I knew the details of this story, because then I worked as a journalist and was going to make material about it. But at the last moment the newspaper decided not to publish. Although it does not matter. The bottom line is that he, an excellent student and the pride of the family, did not go to college and was afraid to tell his parents about it. Preferred to die.
“I will never be like this,” I thought then. "What kind of parents are they?"
Yes ... And Varya was crying, she painted over the top three and was afraid to tell me about her ...
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She remembered how the son of her acquaintances ended up in an insane asylum because mom and dad demanded fives from him, success, diplomas, a great future and that they were not ashamed of him. As a result, the nerves and psyche of the guy just could not stand it.And the worst thing is that he did not want to return home from the "Durkee". Because, as he admitted later, only there he was able to breathe calmly, because in the hospital he was not required to be someone's pride and reach some heights. And it was not necessary to get fives to be loved.
"And so I will never have," - I was sure.
And my Varya was crying, she painted over the top three and was worried that she could not become an excellent pupil, like a mother ... How her bad mother!
"Yes, Varya, your mother was an excellent pupil at school. And the institute graduated with red diploma. But her most important exam - on the ability to be a good mother - she passed on a solid deuce ... Yes, what a deuce there! On stake!"…
No, I did not say this to her, but to myself. And I understood that we now need to fix a lot. And first of all to me - in myself.
I recalled how worried she was before each control. Now I knew why. How worried about the foursome ... And it was a wrong, unhealthy experience.
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Do not think I did not love her less because of these fours, and even more so because of this shaded triple. And at that moment it seemed to me that I love her even more than ever. I was so sorry for her, to tears! And you can not imagine how I hated myself!
I'm exactly like those parents whose son jumped out of the window. And no better than those who ended up in the hospital. And I'm sure that those people were not bad, they just wanted it better. We all want the best, but sometimes we do it very wrong.
I myself, wishing for the best, with my own hands, make my child unhappy. Herself! My good, beloved girl! Which is my first assistant at home and tries so hard to please, support, facilitate my “large” life.
How easy it is to make a mistake and how difficult it is to correct it. I many times many times then told her that I love her not for evaluation, but not at all for something, and I will always love, no matter what happens! And what - well, her, this “honors”. The main thing is not five. The main thing is to try, to do everything in your power so that conscience is calm. And there be that will be.
I saw that Varya was at first still worried when she received fours (fours !!!). And then there was a moment when she relaxed and decided that this my “paradigm shift” meant that she could “forget about” her studies, because her mother “realized everything” and she wouldn’t have anything for that.
By the fourth class, thank God, everything was straightened out. Well, we have a couple of fours,so what ... Varyusha even once told me: “Mom, remember, I was afraid that you would be upset if I was not an excellent student? Do you remember? Then it was so hard for me to study! I was only thinking about the marks! And when we talked to you, it became so easy and interesting for me at school! Can you imagine? And when I grow up, I want to become a primary school teacher! ”
True, we recently had these GIA (or EGE) at the end of the fourth class, the meaning of which, to be honest, I do not understand. How incomprehensible much in the current school curriculum. Varya was very worried before every exam and kept asking: "And if I do not give it up, they will not translate me, right?" That's why the young children need all this hassle, explain?
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And the day before yesterday in Varina school was graduation. Handed diplomas to excellent students. And in the end, several people came to me in turn and asked in surprise: "What, Varya is not an excellent student?" "No, I'm not an excellent student!" - I answered. And with internal relief, I realized that I was not hurt by this at all. I have a beautiful, intelligent, kind girl, and most importantly, that she was happy.
True, Varya heard all this and then asked me: “Well, is it very bad that I am not an excellent student?” (Apparently, that my mistake still got deep inside her). "No, not bad. The main thing is that you tried, daughter! ”...
In September, our second daughter, Sonia, goes to school. I so hope not to repeat such mistakes with her ... And I am so afraid of repeating them ... But most importantly, I realized that I could not blame them for evaluations. It is necessary to love, help, support, believe in a child, in anyone. And to do so that he believed in us - in mom and dad. I was not afraid.
And about these assessments ... Someone writes that they do not need to be put at all. I dont know. There are probably children who need them. Something is needed that would demonstrate what they have achieved or what they need to work on.
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I remember in my class there was a troechnik boy in all subjects except mathematics and something else ... In this he was a genius. He solved problems by some unreal methods that were unreal to him. For that, the mathematician, too, periodically, for educational purposes, “vporivala” to him the triplets, but she adored him. And cited as an example of excellent students.“Here you are so clever, everything is according to the program, all-privileged, and he has BRAINS! Such brains! With podpodvyvert And you have a step to the right and left of the program - and everything is lost. " He acted easily somewhere in mathematics.
And I remember another round Losers. It was in high school in Africa, at school at the embassy. The guy was generally a terrible city punks and "parental cross." But he “fumbled” in the technique of soooo! I disassembled and assembled for parts not only a computer, but generally equipment of any complexity. Everyone turned to him for help. What happened to him later, I do not know, we left.
I know for sure that marks are not an indicator. And they need to change our parental attitude.